Following the Path - Progress not Perfection
Self boundaries are important. It is part of the healing process. There is nothing wrong with boundaries and everyone needs them. Setting self boundaries shows respect and compassion to yourself. Recognizing your own boundaries is a way of not being a doormat. Saying no is okay and in many instances necessary when taking care of yourself.
If you are the person setting the boundary you are guaranteed of one thing. The person pushing the boundary is not going to take your delivery of a boundary well especially if they are affected by dis-ease or addiction or if their thinking is distorted. We can not presume to see through another person’s eyes. What we can do is make sure we are stating what needs to be said clearly whether that is being done in written form or verbally and that we, “Say what we mean, just don’t say it mean.”
Manipulation is common in the world of dysfunction. Everyone wants what they want. How we go about getting what we want is entirely up to us. If you know that for you you have set a boundary well, you have been polite, courteous and direct be thankful! Emeshed boundaries that do not clearly set out a boundary are an invitation to confusion. Be clear. Be okay with being clear. Celebrate it! You have taken a step in respecting yourself. Be grateful for that opportunity. And then “Do Unto Others”. Respect them enough to allow them to set their boundaries.
In some instances in life, a person will not let your boundary lie. They push and push and push. At that point it is best to walk away. Give it a cool down period, and then let it go and turn it over to your HP. I have found that this is the greatest thing to do! And it works! We need to stop and think, remembering that we can not control that person’s responses, remembering that it is our “response” that is our “karma” so to speak.
Most areas in our life require setting boundaries. Most often it is in relation to work and family. Making and keeping boundaries is hard sometimes. We can do it with our HP’s help. This is especially true in family environments where some family members are resolved to making their life better by healing and recovery. A family setting is the hardest area define boundaries. In some instances it is emeshed boundaries that have brought us to this point that we are at now. It is the setting in which it makes the most difference.
Families are the most emotionally challenging place to keep your boundaries intact. Guilt is a useful emotion when we have truly done something wrong. There are so many times that guilt is used as a manipulative force. But let that feeling guide you to think about have you really done something wrong? If you haven’t, remember that “feelings are not facts” and that you are okay to go forward feeling confident in the boundary you have set.
Healing takes time, it takes practice….”Progress , not perfection!”
©Adrienne McLeod 2011
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This really is a little something I need to do more research into, thanks for the post.
There’s life in the old dog yet.
Thanks for your post! For me, boundaries are such a crucial (pun intended) leap of faith. Because really, it’s a step of acceptance of my limitations to be serene, if not sober! It’s also a step of saying “your will, not mine” in a tangible way. That is, it’s easy for me to pray the 3rd step prayer; it’s hard for me to surrender the “bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.”
The best I can do right now is think of setting and maintaining boundaries like an experiment. I work with my sponsor to identify my feared consequence, then set the boundary and watch. This is where I’ve learned – really learned – that FEAR stands for “False Evidence Appearing Real.” There have been discomforts, but my biggest fears have NEVER come to pass.
Boundaries for me are also about maintaining rigorous honesty. And not telling myself the lie: “I can handle it.”
Thanks for your inspiration.
Peace.