I learn in Al-Anon that a frank, honest look at my way of handling the alcoholic situation may suddenly show me that I posses, and use, a whole armory of murderous weapons. They are the same weapons used by many spouses: indignation expressed in a strident voice; irresponsible accusations, nagging, tears and hysteria, self righteousness and many more. These weapons are killers. They kill the alcoholic’s desire to find a better way of life. They kill love and respect. They destroy the alcoholic by increasing his already unbearable guilt. And they destroy us who use such weapons.
Today’s Reminder
I will try to clear out of my life and my mid all the tools of destruction I have been using. I know they can do nothing to improve my situation. I will make myself learn to use a new set of tools: tolerance, kindness, patience, courtesy love and humour – and a firm determination to do what is necessary to improve my life.
“God, who is all good and all wisdom, provides me with the tools that are useful in overcoming my difficulties. May I be willing to use them.”
Reading from: One Day At A Time In Al-Anon, pg. 17
One of the things that is difficult when dealing with alcoholism in a spouse or child or other member of the immediate family is that we all need comfort and it is often not available. Where we normally could go in a healthy relationship for that comfort is sometimes one of the things that alcohol robs from us. I have been guilty of going to an unavailable person for comfort and finding myself blamed, resented, pushed away or being told that they don’t know what to say because they haven’t been there, by people that I reasonably thought should have been able to offer some comfort. Most of us if we’re honest have done this same thing. It sucks. But in every interaction we learn.
As we have learned over time that expressing emotions to an unavailable person reinforces negative behaviors in ourselves we need to look for other healthy people to reach out to. We will make mistakes about who we can reach out to in certain situations. But we can be grateful we learn.
We can reach to a sponsor, or an Al-Anon or ACA friend, perhaps someone who is also walking a spiritual path of improvement or if employing a professional we may go to them. Someone who has no vested interest except in us. Who will understand that what we need is comfort, not direction, someone who with added insight may ask us the questions that lead to answers. Someone that our Higher Power might speak to us through. Like a child with a scrape sometimes all we need is that reciprocal comfort. We deserve that as human beings.
When we can reach out for comfort to an available source and receive that comfort that human beings need, addressing things such as boundaries or stating how we feel to the alcoholic or addict in a constructive beneficial way becomes easier. We need not deny ourselves love and comfort and build resentments. And it may take practice to learn who we can and who we can’t go to.
Today I will remember that the more that dysfunction exists, the less available healthy people there are to turn to. Today I will remember that learning who that is and who it is not is not a mistake. I can be grateful for the learning and move forward. ~Adrienne
Related articles
- Thursday night Al-Anon meeting… (chipinmyheart.wordpress.com)
- Daily Recovery Reading – September 19, 2011 (12stepsthinkaboutit.org)
Wise post.
I think one of the hardest things we have to do is to open our eyes to who and what God HAS provided us today, rather than the futile look for who we WANT God to have provided us on our terms.
I think, related to that, we need to discern when our journey with someone or something God has provided comes to its end. An old-timer once told me ” all sponsorships are temporary.” I’m thinking that every relationship has a context, too. Sometimes the hardest thing is letting go. I think this happens two ways: first, there’s a point where a crisis has run its course, I move out of my old neighborhood, change schools, jobs etc. and my old friends fade somewhat – not lost, but faded. I move on.
Second, though, I think relationships change. For example, for my wife and me to recover, we have had to leave behind our “old marriage.” It’s been over seven years of recovery and it can still be hard not to dredge up (or be frightened by) the failings in the past. The “old husband” isn’t someone she can turn to for help and support. So for us, our “old marriage” had to end – and also our old ideas and ideals. Yet the miracle is that new ideas and new ideals, bigger than we ever imagined, have replaced the old. In a Christian sense, our old marriage was crucified so that our new marriage could be resurrected. And don’t get me wrong – crucifixion sucks. Whether physical, emotional mental or spiritual, there’s nothing comfortable or easy about death. Even the death of something harmful.
Lastly, for me to know what or who God has given to me, I can pray and discern in advance, but most of the time I have to just go try something and give myself permission to see what happens. I can’t make bricks without clay. So I can try a relationship/friendship/sponsorship.sponseeship/friendship and observe. If it works, persist, if or when it doesn’t, move on. Not saying that relationships don’t require a little work, but there’s a point when it’s not the right work for me. I get counsel from others on this to help me see clearly. But the point is, I have permission to try and have things not work out. I have permission to “experiment” and learn. And grow.
Thanks for your inspiring words and journey.
Peace.
David
This is so beautifully written, and I love your take on comfort. The road to recovery for myself has been rocky at best. Every day presents a new challenge, and sometimes this results in the same-old bad behavior I have been trying to get away from. I haven’t really considered my need for comfort. Deep down, I have been searching for it, oftentimes from the wrong people. Then, when I got a negative reaction, I blamed myself and resented the offending party for not being there for me the way I wanted them to be.
Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here, instead of resentment and self-pity. Maybe I, too, have been acting inappropriately by looking for comfort from everyone. How beautiful it is that there is a world full of people out there, and that surely God will lead me to the right people, if I just stop and listen. Maybe I should provide comfort to people when they are reaching out.
Today, I will try to fully appreciate what I do have, instead of longing for what I don’t. Just for today, it will be enough.
It’s great when we share and realize that there are many people who care, who support, who on their own path share their light. There are some people that just in connecting and sharing lead us to deeper understanding of themselves. Those people are gifts Though they may be miles away…they are as close as an e-mail, text, phone call or sometimes just the thought…What would so and so tell me ? We can reach out to people that way too ;D
I needed to read this today. I also need to get it to sink in.